Thought Dump

It's been months since I was last on here, but I'm finding that I have so much on my mind that I have to dump it out somewhere. I've been sitting on my couch attempting meditation for the past several minutes, and am quickly discovering that my brain is simply too active to pull it out today. I haven't been doing it nearly as much as I should be; when school started, all of my routines and good habits went to hell in a hand basket, and I haven't been able to get them started again. I haven't ridden since August, since before the short break I had between summer and winter semesters. I haven't seriously worked out at all this year, and I've only been to play racquetball once. My diet plan that I followed, or at least tried to follow, during the summer is nonexistent. Honestly, I don't know what's gotten into me; I feel like I'm falling apart, but I simply don't have time to stop it. I know that trying to do too much all the time is truly more destructive than limiting the amount to be accomplished per day, but I simply can't find time to meditate. And when I do find time, I feel I am so unmotivated to do so that I end up blowing it off.

Several negative consequences have come from this. My grades are dropping; I am under-performing this semester and I know it. I am ashamed. I didn't think anything could shake my academic performance; it's my strong suit, and I know it. But I've accumulated so much stress this semester that I just haven't been able to shake out of this 'funk' that I've been in. Ironically, that in itself is one of the biggest stresses in my life at this time.

I feel socially isolated. I don't see people as often as I wished I did. Last year we were all together, and being with people was as easy as walking down the hall. This year is different. After living in an apartment all summer, I have grown to hate the restricted freedom that living in the dorms again imposes on me. I dislike the RA's and many of the people that live in my building, and the people that I grew accustomed to seeing so often aren't here anymore. To combat my negative emotions towards living in this place, I spend most of my time in the library, further perpetuating my isolation. But even though I spend more time there than in my own home on a daily basis, I cannot seem to accomplish all the things that I am required to. In fact, I don't seem to even come close. I am puzzled by this phenomena.

I of course have the added distraction of, once again, being interested in someone. A woman (as I have been instructed to refer to them by Cultural Anthropology class) from work, who I've known since the beginning of last year. We've become very close over the past couple months, and I've become very much attached to her. However, as always, I'm too afraid to risk the friendship we're building by telling her how I really feel. This seems to be the way it always goes for me in these situations; first Brianne, then Kelly, and now her. Someday, maybe, I will be able to overcome this feeling, this idea, that I should always take the non-confrontational approach and simply preserve the situation. But even as I think about it, I feel like it will always be too big a risk; especially now that I have so few really close friendships in the first place. Ah well... what is there to do but let it play itself out.

All right, enough putting off schoolwork. Back to the real world I go...