Thought Dump

It's been months since I was last on here, but I'm finding that I have so much on my mind that I have to dump it out somewhere. I've been sitting on my couch attempting meditation for the past several minutes, and am quickly discovering that my brain is simply too active to pull it out today. I haven't been doing it nearly as much as I should be; when school started, all of my routines and good habits went to hell in a hand basket, and I haven't been able to get them started again. I haven't ridden since August, since before the short break I had between summer and winter semesters. I haven't seriously worked out at all this year, and I've only been to play racquetball once. My diet plan that I followed, or at least tried to follow, during the summer is nonexistent. Honestly, I don't know what's gotten into me; I feel like I'm falling apart, but I simply don't have time to stop it. I know that trying to do too much all the time is truly more destructive than limiting the amount to be accomplished per day, but I simply can't find time to meditate. And when I do find time, I feel I am so unmotivated to do so that I end up blowing it off.

Several negative consequences have come from this. My grades are dropping; I am under-performing this semester and I know it. I am ashamed. I didn't think anything could shake my academic performance; it's my strong suit, and I know it. But I've accumulated so much stress this semester that I just haven't been able to shake out of this 'funk' that I've been in. Ironically, that in itself is one of the biggest stresses in my life at this time.

I feel socially isolated. I don't see people as often as I wished I did. Last year we were all together, and being with people was as easy as walking down the hall. This year is different. After living in an apartment all summer, I have grown to hate the restricted freedom that living in the dorms again imposes on me. I dislike the RA's and many of the people that live in my building, and the people that I grew accustomed to seeing so often aren't here anymore. To combat my negative emotions towards living in this place, I spend most of my time in the library, further perpetuating my isolation. But even though I spend more time there than in my own home on a daily basis, I cannot seem to accomplish all the things that I am required to. In fact, I don't seem to even come close. I am puzzled by this phenomena.

I of course have the added distraction of, once again, being interested in someone. A woman (as I have been instructed to refer to them by Cultural Anthropology class) from work, who I've known since the beginning of last year. We've become very close over the past couple months, and I've become very much attached to her. However, as always, I'm too afraid to risk the friendship we're building by telling her how I really feel. This seems to be the way it always goes for me in these situations; first Brianne, then Kelly, and now her. Someday, maybe, I will be able to overcome this feeling, this idea, that I should always take the non-confrontational approach and simply preserve the situation. But even as I think about it, I feel like it will always be too big a risk; especially now that I have so few really close friendships in the first place. Ah well... what is there to do but let it play itself out.

All right, enough putting off schoolwork. Back to the real world I go...

Chapter Two

And so, my saga of thoughts from the past several weeks continue in this thrilling new post... well, maybe not so thrilling, but they do continue nonetheless.

I was taking a walk around campus and Rogers Park today and decided it would be a great idea to contemplate exactly what I'm doing with all this bioethics and gene therapy research I'm getting myself into. Of course, when I started the goal was to write a little paper for my Health Care Ethics class final, which I did. But apparently, my little work impressed the professor to the extent that she suggested that I submit it to a national bioethics undergraduate symposium thing (she also gave me 100 on the paper, which I am still thrilled about). And so, now I have dedicated a significant amount of my time to this research project, and I'm starting to wonder exactly what I'm going to do with it, or if I even have the time or motivation right now to do anything with it. On the other hand, I think that since I've already put so much time into it, and since I need every edge I can get over the competition in my school and field, I should just keep truckin' away and try to make something out of this piece.

But, herein lies the problem. I am a sophomore in college at a prestigious, but not all that prestigious, university, and I feel like no one really cares what I have to say, even if I do get it published. This is very discouraging to me and really makes me want to give up and not pursue this little project any further. This is simply a very confusing and trying subject for me, and I'll have to give this additional thought before I sort it all out. I'm finding that this doesn't have a nice, easy answer like many of the problems that I encounter and choose to share on this blog. I'll have to get back to this topic at a later time.

So Much to Write...

It's been a while since I've been on, and I have so many exciting stories to tell that I think I'm going to have to break up this post and publish several shorter posts over the next several days. I know I always get a sudden sinking feeling when I see massive numbers of words staring at me from my computer screen and instantly want to abandon whatever venture I am pursuing at that time. So, in order to prevent that feeling down the road if/when I come back and read all these posts, I'm going to publish little, shorter stories, a series of stories, if you will. So, chapter one...

On Tuesday, June 29th, I was riding back from vising some friends downtown when I was hit by a car. Now, this whole experience barely has any real substance to it because I didn't think very much of it at the time and I still don't. I wasn't hurt and the driver of the car of course wasn't hurt, so right off the bat I can't even put an element of drama into it because I feel silly playing up something that, compared to what could have happened, wasn't even a big deal. But, of course, there are lessons to be taken from every experience, although they may not be the lessons apparently obvious to the situation.

Lesson #1 (the obvious lesson): One must watch for cars even while biking on a bike path like the Lakefront Path (this is where I was hit). This lesson should be ridiculous, but apparently is not, because apparently, cars are everywhere. But that is a discussion for another time.

Lesson #2 (the not-so-obvious lesson): Remaining calm and diffusing high stress, high intensity situations, especially if you are the victim of such situations, is a genius plan for making taxing situations play out smoothly and briskly. When I was laying on the ground, after I had just been thrown off my bike, I did a little self assessment on my self using my basic EMT knowledge from class and, noting that I was at least A&O x3 and didn't feel any pain except an understandable headache, I knew nothing was completely life threatening right at that moment. So instead of freaking out, I spent the time talking to and making jokes with the people around me, in particular the driver of the car that hit me. He was really freaking out when he first ran over, but after a few minutes of talking to him and calming him down, the whole experience shifted from panic to almost placid.

In the end, it turned out to be a semi-positive experience. Except for the fact that my bike was destroyed. BUT, no one was hurt, and that's the important thing. My Zen says I should not become attached to physical materials, and my Grandpa has instilled in me (through my wrecking of the family car) that material possessions are easily fixed and should never be fretted over. Between the two of them, I feel as though I had a handle on the whole situation and gave it my best shot at having a positive outcome.

Friday Morning Ride

I love riding on Friday morning more than any other morning I think. Maybe it's just because I don't have class on Friday and I'm already stoked that I have a whole two days to not study and not feel guilty about it. But Fridays always seem less stressful and more exciting and adventurous than the other days of the week.

My first note from the day is that right at the beginning of my ride I was stopped next to a cop at a red light. After sitting for a moment and seeing that no one was coming on the cross street, the cop drove through the red light and on his merry way. No lights or sirens, just drove through. Now, many people know that I have little to no respect for cops and that I see them just as glorified bullies looking for their daily boost in self esteem after they leave/drop out of high school, and many people don't understand why. Well friends, this is why. Once again it has been observed that if you distribute even a little authority to undeserved minds and personalities, they will abuse it until the day that power is stripped from them. Thank you fine officers of the CPD for proving this point to me this morning.

On a happier note, I found some new places today that I think deserve noting, if only so that I don't forget them. First, I saw a Gamestop on the corner of Broadway and Irving Park while I was riding past down Broadway this morning; I have a friend coming up/over from Indiana this afternoon and I'm sure he will appreciate knowing that there is one kind of close to school (closer than the Best Buy in the Hancock building where we've been going, anyway). Secondly, I found a new Borders! I always get excited when I find new bookstores (I think it's a little part of my nerdy-ness kicking in). It was a really nice one in Boy's Town. I only stopped in and looked for a moment, just because it's Pride weekend and with all the parade preparations and people flooding the sidewalks it was a little busy. But I'll definitely have to go back and check it out again sometime. Thirdly, as I was riding back up to Rogers Park on Clark, I found a Swedish Immigration museum that I had no idea was there. I didn't have a chance to check it out today, but I think that would be a really great experience for me to get back in touch with my Swedish roots, so that's also on the to-do list.

I believe that's all for today. Hope you, Terrie Chen, the one person following this blog, if you read this, have a great weekend!

Interconnectedness

As I was walking on Sheridan across the street from the entrance to campus today, I saw my favorite desk receptionist from when I lived in Simpson Hall this past academic year. I gave him one of those "what's up" head nods, and when he saw me he gave me an expression of recognition and returned with "what's up man." I was absolutely shocked that he actually remembered me from the brief, albeit frequent, moments of scanning into the building last year.

When I retold this story to my friend Tom, he revealed to me that the desk receptionist's name was Kevin and he was Tom's girlfriend Jade's older brother. Who would have thought.

The Buddha said "He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye." This tells me that everyone is connected and, to quote the NBC show Life (which I love and adore), "even as we exhale those around us inhale." It just amazes me when this "Small World" effect comes into play in real life. This should be a lesson to distribute compassion and kindness throughout our worlds, since we are interconnected with it. For instance, if I had been rude to Kevin or ignored Kevin's kindness as I was swiping my ID at the desk, my positive relationship with Tom's girlfriend would be influenced by my neglect of kindness toward her older brother. We must realize that we are all connected, every one of us. If we are able to see ourselves in everyone and come to realize there is a part of everyone, a piece of humanity, within ourselves, we will take a step toward enlightenment and a fulfilling life. This is something that I must strive to remember and practice every day.

Mile 0.0

One of the things my Univ 102 professor suggested that all of the premeds do was to keep a journal of our experiences so that we had a tangible reminder of our thoughts, feelings, etc. for later recollection, say for the dreaded med school interview or for application essays. So, instead of that, I've decided to go green and compile them into this little blog. This will be the ongoing story of my little adventures and experiences that I think are relevant enough to remember later on. And so, since I've newly discovered a love for biking just this summer, I've titled this post Mile 0.0. This is the beginning.